Somewhere between a reflection and a perception

Integrity

2010-05-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

Props to whomever can tell me where the quote came from. And by props I mean prize. And by prize I mean I'll think of something. No cheating.

But I have been thinking about it for a while, even if it was not in so many words. I heard this quote again recently, and I thought it well articulated some of the struggles I go through. Weakness does not happen overnight. Corruption is not instantaneous. Nobody starts life thinking that they want to grow up to be the bad guy. But it happens to many. Many who do not step out in faith to defend what they believe and what is right. Standing up for what is right can cost alot in the same way that standing by God and Jesus can cost alot. It may be that on that journey that Jesus takes you on, it may cost you your right eye or your right hand. The point is that it is far better to stay true to what you believe, even if it costs your life than to give in to what is easy yet wrong. Is integrity easy? Not always. Will there be failures and setbacks? I'm sure there will be for all of us. But..."Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that matters." -Winston Churchill

Faith

2009-07-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

More on faith I suppose. Last Sunday I heard a great message that spoke about faith. I'll be honest; it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before. Nevertheless, it was plenty that I had chosen not to practice and believe. It's easy to say you believe something. It's a little more difficult to actually believe that something exists in the world. It can be very difficult to believe that something can and will happen in your own life. Confusing wording yes.

This is how I have placed God for a while. I pray. I read His word...not as often as I should but I read. I believe Jesus is supreme Lord. I know he does incredible things. But in my arrogance, I haven't believed that He does this for me. I guess I think I'm somehow special so that God overlooks me and doesn't care or love me as much. Then to further my arrogance, I believe that I have to work to make God be proud of me and to love me. And then I fail. And then I fall farther and farther. All of this because of a weak faith. When trials come, I just say that it's just what I deserve. I think that it shows that God doesn't like me at all. I've failed to live up to what I should have been.

I know alot of this seems like a far throw from faith, but that is what it is all centered around. I haven't had a faith that God will sustain me and provide for me. I haven't believed that as a believer His power is in me. When the slightest trial comes, I surrender instead of persevering. And what is faith if it buckles under the smallest stress. Is that really faith at all?

I can see that it's time for me to make changes in my attitudes. I know I'll never be perfect or measure up, so it's useless to try to earn the grace of God. It's time to have faith that God will come through in my life: to make faith more personal. It's time to persevere in tough times knowing that the one I trust my soul with is also trustworthy of my day to day life. To put it in the simplest terms, it's time to really believe.

"Lost"

2009-03-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 7:50 pm today. I had my full 8 hours, but I still felt tired. Never the less, I had to get up; something important was about to happen. At 8:00 pm, a new episode of Lost was on, and I wasn't going to miss it. Sometimes I find it a little strange that something like a T.V. makes me so determined to get up out of bed when the sheets are still warm and I'd rather sleep another hour. But no matter.

I guess this post makes more sense if you watch the show, but often times I identify myself with alot of the characters on Lost. Sometimes I feel like Locke who has faith even unto death, and sometimes I feel like Jack who refuses to believe until something big and drastic comes and shakes up my "perfect" life I have made myself. In truth I am really like both of them. This also reminds me of a Caedmon's Call song "Mystery of Mercy". Good song.

More than anything I find myself feeling like all of the characters in the show at once. They are all looking to get back to something great that they once had. Most of them didn't truly appreciate it until it was gone. That something for me is something the Church would call a small group or the like. I am very blessed to have the Christian friends that I have, and without their fellowship and support I don't know what state I would be in. For that I am forever grateful. The greatest disadvantage though is that I only get to see them once every two weeks or so...some even less, and I find myself longing for something more regular. Like a weekly Bible study, or a good Sunday school class. I'm not looking to replace those that I already have; I just want something closer to home. I have found good Churches with sound teaching. Even the Sunday school classes have thought provoking conversations. Still, most of what I have found are a few people still in college or others significantly older than me. I wonder where all the Christians are that are my age because I am having a hard time finding them in a church. I know they are out there somewhere; it just feels like they all disappeared...in a bright and blinding light...

I am going to start looking again. I have been at one church, but I have become comfortable there I think. I tend to do that; I become stuck in a place. I know that what I am looking for is out there, so I will continue on. For those of you who have been there for me in Missouri, Illinois, Oklahoma, and even as far as Colorado, I appreciate the company on my journey. Because despite distance, be it minutes or hours, you have still been here with me to help me along the way. Thanks guys.

Routine

2009-02-19T16:24:00.000-08:00

I just got the action on my guitar set to a much easier...place? Bottom line, after four years I can actually play bar chords more than half way decently. That and my guitar doesn't punish me anymore when I play it. We have a much better relationship; just had to take it to "counseling".

I have an extreme lack of routine. I like routine. It helps me pray, exercise, journal, and blog on a regular basis. That and in general I fall into ruts quite easily. Because I like routine. Blessing and a curse. The main reason I think that I don't have a routine is because my working schedule does not promote a very healthy routine. I don't blame work really; I blame me. Besides, a lack of routine simply exposes that which is most important in my life. Despite no routine, I still sit around and watch tv. I still find the time and energy for those things that aren't important, but the important things have low priority in my life it seems. Time for a change.

My macaroni is finished now.

I'm Back

2009-02-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

After much waiting, procrastinating, and sleeping, I have returned to blog. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it's more that I have a personal journal that takes up more time. And there I can be more honest with my self. I suppose. I have been neglecting that too. And reading scripture on a regular basis though. Hopefully though updating this more often will be me turning over a new leaf. Or stone.

I could write quite a bit because quite a bit has happened, but I don't want this to be just a dear diary blog. Maybe I'll do certain topics that cover the time that has past and the present as well.

To be honest, I have slacked on quite a bit. I don't exercise as much as I would like, I don't read the Bible as much, I don't play music as much as I used to, and I don't keep up with friends the way I would like to. I like to blame this on my volatile work schedule, but realistically I still have as much free time during the day as any other day. Poor excuses. These are all things that I like to do. Things that make me feel like I have at least accomplished something. Instead, I end up accomplishing little more than having fewer episodes of "House" that I haven't seen. I'm going to try to do better. So...I'm back!

Measuring Time

2008-10-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

I have a few small things that I measure time with. External, environmental, and unique things that tell me that time is marching on. Signs that tell me that a certain time of year is back. The seasons and their telltale signs play a small role in this, but there are other things that really tell me that time has passed.

One of which is the night sky. I don't know even half of the constellations out there, but a big way that I can tell that time has gone by is the change in the night sky. Certain stars that are visible at certain times. For example, in the Autumn I can see Orion's belt pointing straight to the little dipper at about 11:00 at night, and it is in the Eastern part of the sky. At about the same time in early March, I can see it beginning to sink into the Western sky. With each passing day it gets lower and lower earlier and earlier, but at the same time, the big dipper is becoming visible too in the Northeast. By the time that Summer is near an end, the Big dipper is farther and farther into the Western horizon, but the little dipper is making it's appearance again. Full circle.

These are things I look for that don't remind me that a good time has past, but they are rather signs of forward movement: the same way the stars move across the sky. I tend to dwell on the past and think that the best times are over and gone, but looking at the stars, and even farther to the One who created them, I am reminded that though events pass, other events are on the way with their own lessons, entertainment, fun, and wisdom to build more lasting memories.

"The future is whatever you make it, so make it a good one."
-Dr. Emmett Brown

Untitled

2008-10-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time. I'm going to try to be a little more consistent simply for the fact that I have loads of freetime.

Work has been good. Most of the people who work at the detention center are christians, so that makes life alot easier there. I'm also getting the hang of the job which means that my nerves are much less of a hindrance than before. I will be working more 6-2 shifts which in itself isn't that bad, but when you have to come back 10 hours later, it makes the whole experience less than enjoyable. Still, I get 40 hours a week, so I really can't complain much.

Living life in Springfield is going better. I still have alot of friends who live up in Bolivar that I try to visit as often as I can, but gas is not cheap (cheaper than it has been in a long time I'll admit). I have a few friends in Springfield, and spending time with them has meant the world to me as well. I really thrive on being social, but I'm not nearly as intentional with alot of my relationships as I'd like to be. I'm sorry. Either way though, there is much more solitude than I am used to. It is taking some adjusting to as well, but it gives you more time to be intentional with God instead of just praying in the shower. God has been good to me, and I know that he will continue to bring me through. And I also know that He'll do alot more than that if I simply let Him and follow him. Sounds like a plan, no?

End of Unemployment

2008-09-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

After much time spent, I have a job in Springfield, MO. First off, I thank all of you for the encouragement and prayers. It really has helped to sustain me in this time.

It's been hard. Ever since arriving back from vacation early in June, I have felt stuck. I felt like I was in a place where the past was stalking me and the future eluded me. But now I can move forward. Spread my wings. All that.

I tend to be a very nostalgic person. I cherish the past, but tend to dwell on it too much. I find myself wishing I could go back to either relive a good experience or rewrite a wrong one. None of it does much good except to pass time. I have already learned many lessons from the past.

The future can tend to intimidate me as well. So does change. I like things to stay good when they are good. Change can mean the end of something great. But I should also realize that it can be the beginning of something even better. If I learn to embrace the future and live in the present, then I probably won't spend as much time wishing I could change the past.

My new job is going to be working at a youth center for Greene count. I will be working the graveyard shift, but I've always liked the night anyway. I'll get by, and money will be good to have again. Or so I think. I'm sure I'll eventually want more. That's what I do. But I am grateful for this job. The Lord has provided and has been faithful to me. As He will continue to do for all of us who trust in His Son's name. I will start the job training hopefully by this coming Monday. And thus a new beginning.

2008-08-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

Ok. My apologies for my lengthy siesta from this blog. It has indeed been too long.

I watch Olympics. Those are cool.

I have made a second trip to Bolivar and Springfield for two job interviews. I really enjoy going back to see my good friends. Usually I end up hanging out, eating dinner with, and playing Halo with my friends. It truly is a great way to relax and forget about unemployment.

I am still awaiting official word on one of the interviews, but I am now working on applying many other places than the Springfield, MO area. That was where I was hoping to be, but I think it would be wise to look in other areas too. And it would be nice to finally have my own place to call home.

On facebook, I have been playing the mousehunt application alot. I'm not usually big on the extra facebook stuff, but I do recommend this one. It makes me hungry for cheese.

I am learning to rely on God more. And also really lay it on the line with Him in prayer and honestly ask what He wants from me. Really before, it would be I would ask, but I wasn't willing to obey if He asked me to do something I really didn't want to do. I'm not saying that now I have perfectly submitted, because as long as I am human, I am going to resist God in some way be it subtle or blatant. But I am finally learning to surrender again knowing that God will reward it.

In Between

2008-07-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

I don't really update this alot. I mean, I'd like to, but I'm probably just too lazy. That and I only get on when it's late at night. Still, I could probably be more constructive with my time like play guitar instead of sacrificing my late nights to the facebook gods.

I am in between many things. Past and future. June and August. School and Work. Yeah. I'd say it's definitely a patience thing. But it's ok. I know that it will all work out. I know that God will take care of me as long as I continue to trust Him and keep Him in the center. Something so fundamental yet something I still stumble over. No matter how many times I think I've learned.

Delayed Flight

2008-07-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

The last weekend in June, I went to visit my sister in Maryland. She has been there for just about a month being a camp counselor for little kids. My mom and I had a good visit with her, but come Sunday it was time for us to go back home. We get to the airport, say our goodbyes, and get on our plane. But not right away.

The plane arrived at the gate about 30 minutes after our boarding time. About 15 minutes later, we begin to board. The plane pushes away from the gate, and we're on our merry way. We don't get far though. We wait as plane after plane take off before us, but the planes are coming from behind us and cutting in front of us. The captain comes on the intercom and makes his excuses as to why we aren't taking off. The reasons don't matter and don't even check out later; bottom line is that we have to wait for an hour on the runway almost certainly having to miss our connecting flight from Chicago to St. Louis. I think to myself, "I'm not going to be home tonight. I'm going to have to sleep in dirty clothes in a strange bed. Well, it figures."

I stop myself...it figures?!? What do I mean by that? Why so cynical? I sit and reflect. I no longer am thinking of just my delayed flight but I still ask the same questions. I think about my life, goals, dreams, and how I wished for so many to come true, but what is my attitude towards them all? Not hopeful I realize. I don't feel anger, but neither do I feel hope...I feel indifference.

More planes take off.

Why do I feel this way? Have I given up on God? Have I forgotten that He cares for me? No. A definite no. But I didn't remember that He wants the best for me. I realized that I had become discouraged. I allowed broken dreams and failed plans cloud and influence the way I treated my relationship with God. He is the destroyer of human plans: to make room for His bigger ones we never thought possible. He is the eraser of small dreams: to replace them with bigger, grander ones. I realize I needed to ask for forgiveness. How blind of me to be bitter towards my thwarted plans when in all actuality it was the first step towards something so much greater.

After an hour, we are finally in the air. I realize I need an attitude adjustment; I need hope and faith again. Faith in God's character. "I'm sorry, Lord Jesus." I can instantly hear God's comforting voice. He knows what it's like to loose something important, but He also assures me that everything will be for the best. Not easy, but still rewarding and still the best path. He is glad all is well with us again. I can hear it, feel it, and see it.

I believe.

The Return

2008-06-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long time since I had my own blog. Alot of times I felt like blogs were kind of like online versions of journals and incredibly cliche, so I'll do my best to keep it anything but that. I hope that this can be a positive, encouraging, and helpful...place. Is this a place? I'll have to look that up. I don't proclaim to have answers: just a lense to perhaps see me better.